Finding My Mojo

I've been feeling rather down lately.  Whether it be spiritual or physical I just can't seem to get my groove on.  I've been in a perpetual funk for weeks now.  Not wanting to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.  Maybe it's been the weather or maybe it's been the mountain of failures I seem to be having.  Money is tight, my marriage is shaky, my goals for this year nowhere near to being met, and now with the loss of our one and only lamb born on our farm my depression really hit it's peak.  I was mucking out the sheep's five inch layer of bedding in their pen and I nearly quit right then and there.  I couldn't physically do it.  I was exhausted  exasperated, angry, frustrated and simply did not want to go on.

I love my animals, I do, and I love farming.  There isn't anything else I would rather be doing.  When I am with the animals I feel a sense of peace and tranquility.  The idea of giving them up is downright dismal.  But they cost money to own.  Lots of money.  I no longer have the luxury of owning an animal that isn't able to to give me a return of money.  I hate that I just wrote that.  I hate that that is a reality in my world.

But the truth is I am not a wealthy woman.  I don't have the luxury of owning animals purely out of enjoyment.  My husband is not a lawyer.  He is a butcher and butcher's don't make a whole lot of money.  I've been looking for other sources of income for years and when I fell in love with the animals and farming I thought I finally found that source.

But my attempts so far have resulted in bad outcomes.  The death toll is getting to me.  Yes, I understand that deadstock is an inevitable part of farming but when the numbers seem to be greater than livestock I begin to doubt my abilities to do this.  Not only do I feel immensely guilty because these animals are dependent on me for their health and livelihood but also because it is a loss of yet more money.  Every time an animal dies, I loose an investment.

I hate this feeling of giving up especially on something I love, so I am working on picking myself back up and getting my old mojo back.

I've got a new business plan and adventure which I will blog about in another post, and I'm also focused on changing my diet.

I plan on growing and eating from my farm, become more self-sustained, bring out the old canning equipment, learn how to bake bread properly as well as learn how to butcher my own animals.  Maybe it's the hint of spring, or the inkling of my old self returning, but I am ready to take on some new challenges and defeat some old ones.  Spring is a time for growth and change.  I will face and concur all obstacles if it kills me.  But hopefully it won't.